I don't want to make it. I just want...

I'm breaking out

Thu, 08 May 2008 11:59:10 GMT

My subconscious is not my friend. I don't watch Heroes for two nights and both of these nights pass scream-free and without a single incident of Heroes-related-ranting. Yet last night I read some of the Heroes graphic novel Jen bought me for my birthday and I screamed in my sleep.

Who the fuck has tv show nightmares??? How old am I, three???? *disdain*

I like working the day shifts on Thursdays. It's so much more peaceful and I tend to enjoy myself more. Except when I get a crazy customer rambling about scuba gear. Even the other customers were giving him strong wtf? looks. It's akin to going to Egypt and asking for ski gear.

I have eaten so much damn junk food the past three days, I despise myself.

Have started reading Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. So far I am enjoying it, even if I have to keep reminding myself of the positives of life. Not everything is as bleak as it sometimes seems - especially in an autobiography about depression.

I want to lie on my bed and congeal and not have to worry about assignments. Rar.

curses profusely

Wed, 07 May 2008 08:40:35 GMT

I am tired and grumpy and it is entirely my university's fault. I am so god damn fed up with their shit. On Wednesdays, I have a 10am-1pm class, which according to our timetable is meant to change as of this week to 9am-12pm because the format of the class changes. At 9:10am this morning, Wendy, the head of not only this subject but my entire course, sent an email saying class didn't start till 10am. Who the fuck sends an email 10min after class is meant to start telling us there is a time change??? I live outside the city and it takes me over an hour commuting to get to uni. This is ridiculous. She didn't even know what room we were in when she did turn up.

I cannot comprehend how this degree came to be labelled as Australia's best Journalism degree. I really can't.

To make me even more grumpy, I still haven't received feedback on my major essay topic and I wasted my time this afternoon trying to do an assignment.

If I only had one semester left before I graduate, I would seriously drop out. I cannot take this shit anymore.

Tue, 06 May 2008 00:25:58 GMT

I wish my life was a Dashboard Confessional song.

I want a map of america

a purple throw rug

curtains

winter break

the sky glows I see it shining with my eyes closed

Peter Petrelli: Super Sponge

Mon, 05 May 2008 08:28:47 GMT

Total shite day. Looked like crap, felt like crap. Crap all around. Uni was a waste of time [when is it not?] The class was dedicated to "private consultations" about our progess. The teacher is "worried" about me, which is just a euphemism for "at the moment you are FAILING." I know this, considering I haven't submitted any work, but I hate being told it.

So tonight is a crack down on a few items. The bare minimum that will be done is:
- Final PPC posting on useless lecture
- Study for EP test tomorrow
- Start writing research plan for IJ

I finished Heroes season 1 last night. Ungh. Want. Though, watching the entire first season in five days has caused me to become over-stimulated and for the past three nights I have been screaming in my sleep about people trying to steal my powers.

Mum, as you can imagine, is not impressed.

Damn you, Sylar.

[I just discovered on Facebook that leather jacket guy from work is friends with some of my uni friends. I swear half the population of UTS and USyd went to one of two high schools in Penrith]

grumbles

Sat, 03 May 2008 08:33:23 GMT

I despise people who think that retail assistants are not people too. Yes, we are there to help you, but that does not mean you can treat us like shit. Today I had a customer crack the shits at me [and Belinda] because he wanted to be served. The problem was he decided that instead of standing in front of the counter, he would stand behind a bookmark display meaning I couldn't see him. He then bitched to Heike that we were giving him attitude, when in actual fact we were explaining to him that we were not ignoring him but we didn't realise he wanted help.

What pissed me off is that Heike and Trevor did nothing. It felt like they condone a person shouting at their staff. This guy was nothing but a douchebag. And under no circumstances is it okay for you to actually yell at a staff member. Espcially when it's your own damn fault for standing behind a display!

Urgh am currently being bored to death by listening to a two hour mp3 uni lecture. Our teacher's decided to tell us a month after this lecture took place that we have to make a posting on it for our assignment. Idiots.

I hate all people today.

They're digging in the wrong place!

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:00:09 GMT

So sleepy. Was up early [after a late night running rampant through Sydney] for a pointless lecture. Utterly pointless. Grumbles.

Have currently reverted to my 10-year-old self - am watching Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. I love Indiana Jones. I had the biggest crush on Harrison Ford ten years ago. It's the whip =P

"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"
"Asps. Very dangerous. You go first"

*giggles*

I am ridiculously excited for the new movie, even though I am trying to brace myself for disappointment. But Indiiiiieeeee!!!! I squealed when I saw the preview for the first time a few weeks ago.

Mum nearly crushed Tux. I came into the loungeroom to find that she had fallen asleep on top of him. All I could see was his head.

exasperated

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:32:05 GMT

I am an extremely frustrating person to live with. Sometimes I just feel like turning to myself and saying, "What the HELL? Seriously! What is your problem! Why can't you make up your God damn mind? You do this to yourself you know." Then I would heave an exasperated sigh and shake my head.

Icy breezes and cold noses are making me think of idillic situations. Want but can't have.

I am no longer monstrously behind on uni work. Huzzah.

Spent Sunday scouting laptops. I fell in love with the Sony VAIO CR series notebook. If this is the one I went with I can't decide which colour to go with: red or white. I love the look of white laptops but the red is quite seductive.

when pigs fly

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 12:49:05 GMT

Wow, I've actually been legitimately productive for the past three hours. I have written several posts for my Editing and Publishing blog: analysing news stories, headlines and photographs.

This bout of productivity was brought on because a jolt of terror hit me when I remembered how behind I am in uni work. Plus, out of all the things I have to do, this was the easiest. Oh and mum was starting to harrass me over the growing pile of old newspapers I have been hoarding for this assignment.

Tomorrow I need to pull an essay topic out of my ass and write a proposal for it including references. Also, I need to write an investigative story piece that was due four weeks ago but I have neglected due to dad being ill.

Monday I must pull a major investigative story idea out of my ass and write emails for my research project.

Joy.

shenanigans

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 12:58:51 GMT

On Wednesday Caitlin, Jen and I got together and pretty much wreaked havoc in Sydney. It was cold and wet [first time since 1993 that Sydney has had 12 days straight of rain] and so we flitted from store to store, trying to keep ourselves entertained. We went to the State Library, Just Jeans, the Lindt Cafe for quite possible the nicest hot chocolate ever, and the major Dymocks store where we terrified some poor kid. He was literally running away from us.

We are proof that being twenty does not mean you can't still have fun.

Photo evidence under the cut.

twenty-something

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:26:52 GMT

I have entered the realm of the twenty-something!!!! And it feels good!

It doesn't feel like my birthday though. But working all day does that to you.

Dad was adorable this afternoon. He had a cupcake with a candle on it even though we couldn't light it.

Work got me chocolates and a cake and Belinda bought me Lush products out of her own money. I love her. Mum got me this uber swish hodie with silk lining and stuff. Nice and warm.

I'm actually quite sleepy now.

Bedtime!

You're my brand of heroin

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:44:50 GMT

Oh God. I just watched the preview for the Twilight movie and it gave me goosebumps. Originally I was quite sceptical about it, but that preview is soooo alluring. Guh.

I've already started dreaming about Breaking Dawn. But I blame that on reading a preview copy of The Host, Stephenie Meyer's book for adult readers. It was pretty good. I had my doubts because the content seemed a little tacky, but she really pulled it off. It's about an alien invasion of Earth where these parasites take over our bodies - and the aliens win. Wanda, one of the aliens, gets put in the body of Melanie and Melanie's mind doesn't disappear like she should. So this awkward love square forms between all these characters. I had no idea how it was going to end for a while.

Today I had hot chocolate at the Lindt Café in the city. The make it with melted chocolate *drools*

It's been so rainy and lovely. I bought a beanie to keep my head warm [and hide unruly hair]. I like the city when it rains.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:05:07 GMT

Cold and gloomy.

Perfect.

I feel like a pop tart, but I ate them all. My sister is bringing me some back from the US. I know that I can get them at specialist candy stores here, but I like getting them from the US. It makes it feel more illicit.

I want to wear my boots but my feet just aren't used to heels so I can't wear them for extended periods.

Two days till my birthday.

Funny, it doesn't feel like it.

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 10:32:51 GMT

Aunty Violet has been here for only a few hours and I already have a strong desire to slit my wrists. Everything about that woman irritates me. She asked me how my weight is going like it has ever been an issue. She is the only person that ever thought I was fat. So I'm sorry if I don't have patience for her.

I actually did some uni work today, huzzah. I now have two things done! Five more to go =\

But my back is too sore for computer work tonight. I will go read some more.

aw, sugar

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:14:49 GMT

Pop Tarts will always be my crack.

Am currently enjoying slightly squashed S'mores flavoured ones. I forgot they were in my bag and they were crushed by my preview copy of Stephenie Meyer's The Host. They still taste good though.

Tell me again why I bother emailing my teachers for help regarding uni work? I emailed my investigative journalism teacher, Pam, asking her to clarify this research assignment. In her email she says, "There was a handout earlier in the course which outlined what you needed to do for that research assignment. Basically the task is to investigate how quickly councils co-operate with your requests for information - if indeed they co-operate at all." Well, DUH. Obviously I have that handout because in my email I specifically refer to the information it mentions. What I don't understand is WHAT information we are supposed to request.

I bought really nice pyjamas and a cute top this week. Have been scouting matching underwear.

Rebel rebel, you've torn your dress

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:25:21 GMT

I just tried on my outfit for tonight. Now, as someone with an astounding lack of self confidence, I must say I look pretty damn good.
Black dress, black patterned stockings/tights and black boots.

It's sexy but not 'Check it out guys - free meal!!'. Normally when I try something outside my comfort zone I have chest pains from anxiety and am positive I look silly. But not tonight! I'm really excited!!!! *flaps*

This calls for my Feel Good Anthem: Rebel Rebel by David Bowie [Charlies Angels soundtrack version]

You love bands when they play it hard, you want more and you want it fast

braaaaains....

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 04:35:37 GMT

Just because I felt like grossing the world out, here's a photo of my dad's arm I took today.

Zombie arm or what???

That is from simply grazing his arm in salt water. Do not want.

Party time tonight!!!

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:25:41 GMT

Tonight I finished The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger and now I ache. Deep inside, I ache. It is cold and I want to curl into a ball and submerge myself in the emotions.

This is the paradox of my love for books. The ones I truly love haunt me. They make my stomach clench and my heart ache. But I will never stop reading them.

grumpy

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 11:00:24 GMT

Okay so according to Trevor I am aggressive towards customers. I call it not putting up with stupid fucks who treat me like an idiot. I can have a dozen customers that thank me for my help, laugh, choose a book I recommend, leave the store happy. But if I have one person that get's pissed off when I try and offer them a different version of the same book and pronounces café as "caff", I'm suddenly not good enough. If you are going to be a fuckass I am going to taaaalk tooo yooou liiiike yoooou dooooon't uuuunderrrstaaaaand eeeeengliiiiiish.

I find this slightly ironic considering Trevor frequently chases people out of the store because he thinks they have stolen something.

I know I am better than these idiots, that's the problem. It's pronounced "café", a thesaurus is not the same as a dictionary and manuals are not the same as books.

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 10:54:30 GMT

I feel like the other cars are judging me when I am stopped at the lights with my window open and The Power of Love by Celine Dion blasting from my stereo.

my customers

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 10:56:13 GMT

I like to contemplate the lives of some of my regular customers. My current customer of interest is the son of Mr. Kinney. He is in about once a week and he is such an enigma [his father is also a regular customer]. Every time he comes in he is carrying a back pack and wearing a baseball cap. He has a scruffy light brown beard [think Ryan Gosling in the Notebook] and is quiet and always looks quite tired. I'm utterly fascinated and I wish I knew what he does for a living. A baseball cap and back pack are a lot more intriguing than a business suit.

I like the way he looks at me. It isn't anything special. I just like it.

Then there's good old Mr. Hillsley. He comes in every week or so and buys all things vampire - predominantly vampire romance. He has to be in his mid-forties, is overweight and waddles. At first he was quite short with me, but now he knows who I am he is lovely. I also suspect he may be gay because occasionally he comes into the store with another man and I just don't see a straight guy telling his friends he reads vampire romance novels, let alone bringing them along when he buys them.

Tonight doesn't want to end. I'm waiting for it to reach a decent time to accept defeat and go to sleep, but it's dragging. I've flicked through the channels on TV, I've read so much of my book. I have even been perusing online fashion...

Friday nights make me feel like I'm the only person left in the world.

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 09:04:29 GMT

I want to only own matching sets of underwear. Purples and blacks and reds and pale pinks and whites.

I want lovely silk pyjamas and lovely silk sheets.

I want a comfortable, luxurious double bed.

I want a white smile.

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 02:57:04 GMT

I am in class, once again, waiting for the teacher plus the rest of the class to show up. Everyone is probably still finishing off their assignments.

I love autumn. It's one of the few times I actually enjoy sunshine. It makes me feel peaceful and optimistic and all things yummy.

Dad is having surgery on his arm today, nothing major just getting all the dead skin etc off.

I think I will ask Rachael at work if it's possible to get work experience at the publisher she works for [Dymocks is like a secondary job]. I think it would be good to get a foot into the publishing world, even if it's only PR stuff. PR could be fun.

I'm getting my hair done next week, I can't wait.

suicide fridays

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:45:08 GMT

Friday nights are my lowest part of the week. Feelings of isolation, loneliness and general melancholy occur pretty much every Friday night. This may be because every Friday night I sit at home, on my own, with no one to talk to and nothing to do.

I started to watch Muriel's Wedding but decided it wasn't the best movie to watch when already feeling lacklustre. For a cult Australian comedy, it sure is damn depressing. It's about a young woman who isn't pretty and very unpopular who listens to ABBA and dreams of her wedding. She ends up running away to Sydney with a high school friend where she goes into dress shops and pretends she is getting married just so she can wear the dresses.

It's so me.

In 27 days I will be 20. And I don't have enough friends to throw a party. So as usual, I will have a 'family' dinner and pretend that I don't care.

Tux hasn't come home yet and my maternal neurosis is in overdrive. I want my little black fuzball home and curled up in my lap.

The Book Thief

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:15:18 GMT

Every Thursday night the local pub has karaoke so as I walk from work to my car I am serenaded by the sound of drunk bogans singing AC/DC. I park on the opposite side of the train station and I can hear it all the way there.

Apparently, dad has 'turned a corner' as of today. He is off sedation and responding, off dialysis and they are considering taking him off the respirator. I, however, have not seen this for myself as the god damn staff in the ICU screwed me around this morning and resulted in me crying some very pissed off tears.

Finished The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak a few days ago. It's a brilliant book, I highly recommend it to everyone. Although it is set in Nazi Germany and is narrated by Death, it isn't as soul-crushing as I thought it would be. There is tragedy, but it is also filled with so much beauty and witty humour. Death has my sense of humour. It's very readable and combines eloquence with simplicity.

Next on my list is Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella. It's chick lit but I thought I needed some brain fluff after all the heavy things I have been reading.

I have an assignment due in five days where I have to compare two feature layouts - one I love and one I hate. I'm looking forward to it, if I can just be bothered actually doing it lol. It's a creative assignment where my opinion matters.

update

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 11:51:50 GMT

It appears winter has arrived after summer's last death rattle. I don't think I could have taken another sweltering day.

Dad is holding in there. Today was the third day he has been sedated since they intubated him. The only real change is that he is now not digesting the goop they feed him via the tube so they are now giving him pure calories. Basically how this infection works, you reach pretty much rock bottom and stay there for several days and then gradually improve - we hope. He just has to hang in there. He may not have been the best dad, but I don't want him to die.

I don't really like seeing him sedated, he's not really my dad when he is asleep with tubes sticking out of everywhere.

Uni is giving me an extension on an assignment that is due this week considering I've been spending most of my free time at the hospital. They haven't really given me any specifics, I am hoping that I won't have to do the assignment and they'll just give me an average or something. It's a pain in the ass trying to catch up.

At work I knocked my ankle on a display table and it's so damn sore. I can barely move it.

I didn't mention this before, but I got asked out by a guy at work last weekend. It's the first time I've ever been legitimately asked out. The guy seemed nice, but he wasn't my type. I hate that phrase but I can't think of another way to describe it. I guess the biggest thing is that he seemed closer to 30 than 20. I told him I was seeing someone else and then flushed burgundy. I think if I was expecting it I wouldn't have felt like I hadn't studied for a major exam.