Total shite day. Looked like crap, felt like crap. Crap all around. Uni was a waste of time [when is it not?] The class was dedicated to "private consultations" about our progess. The teacher is "worried" about me, which is just a euphemism for "at the moment you are FAILING." I know this, considering I haven't submitted any work, but I hate being told it.

So tonight is a crack down on a few items. The bare minimum that will be done is:
- Final PPC posting on useless lecture
- Study for EP test tomorrow
- Start writing research plan for IJ

I finished Heroes season 1 last night. Ungh. Want. Though, watching the entire first season in five days has caused me to become over-stimulated and for the past three nights I have been screaming in my sleep about people trying to steal my powers.

Mum, as you can imagine, is not impressed.

Damn you, Sylar.

[I just discovered on Facebook that leather jacket guy from work is friends with some of my uni friends. I swear half the population of UTS and USyd went to one of two high schools in Penrith]

I despise people who think that retail assistants are not people too. Yes, we are there to help you, but that does not mean you can treat us like shit. Today I had a customer crack the shits at me [and Belinda] because he wanted to be served. The problem was he decided that instead of standing in front of the counter, he would stand behind a bookmark display meaning I couldn't see him. He then bitched to Heike that we were giving him attitude, when in actual fact we were explaining to him that we were not ignoring him but we didn't realise he wanted help.

What pissed me off is that Heike and Trevor did nothing. It felt like they condone a person shouting at their staff. This guy was nothing but a douchebag. And under no circumstances is it okay for you to actually yell at a staff member. Espcially when it's your own damn fault for standing behind a display!

Urgh am currently being bored to death by listening to a two hour mp3 uni lecture. Our teacher's decided to tell us a month after this lecture took place that we have to make a posting on it for our assignment. Idiots.

I hate all people today.

My last week of freedom before uni returns and I'm sick.

I want somebody to cuddle me and fawn over me and make me soup.

Instead I am stuck with a mother who is indifferent and asks me stupid questions like the location of the remote.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day and I will be spending it at work, coughing, sneezing and feeling like crap.

I'm going to bed to mope.

Urgh work Christmas is eating away my urge to live. People are so overwhelming and stupid and mean and datingpeoplethatarentme. And having so many of them in my face all day every day constantly is excruciating.

Now that Aunty Violet is here for the festivities the quality of my home life has also dropped. Mum's priority, especially when tispy [something she is constantly with aunty v around] is to antagonise me. If there is something she knows will irritate me, she will do it and make a big fuss of doing it. Like when I'm sitting on the couch trying to read and she decides to show Aunty V the new Christmas decoration, despite my pleas to wait ten minutes until I had finished the chapter. But where would be the fun in waiting? Instead she turns the lights off and turns the infernal display on so it starts whirring, flashing and emitting the most god-awful tuneless christmas songs.

Oh, and did I mention I have listened to Christmas carols every day since November? If I hear the line "FIIIIIVE GOOOOLDEN RIIIIIIINGS" one more freaking time I just may kill someone.

I tried to read some of my FList but my eyes aren't focusing. I'll be back when my urge to live is a little stronger

I had a night terror last night, a really bad one. I was so terrified I was screaming my head off. But apparently I was screaming something about a boy so tonight mum was like "why were you screaming about a boy?" Haha awkward.

Then again, she once heard me have an entire conversation with Frank in my sleep where I told him off for tickling me :|

God I felt like shit today. A real I-hate-people sort of mood right when I have to work 3-9 during the Christmas rush. I felt weak and sick too. I had a Red Bull and so would get sporadic bursts of energy. At one point I was flailing behind the counter, mocking the Christmas Tree that was walking around the shopping centre trying to entertain the kiddies.

Andrew came into work. The guy I was virtually smitten with for the whole of high school. He is studying music. Is in bands. Is the essence of badass masculinity. Has a girlfriend. Whyyyy do they always have to tell me that?

I sometimes don't know why I bother obsessing over my hair. Fiddling with foundation and eyeliner. Wearing the right bra.

It never makes any difference.

Note to self: Make sure you are not still actively seeking relationships by the age of sixty.

Why?

Because your boyfriend is significantly more likely to suddenly die on you.

As much as I don't like Aunty Violet, I feel really bad for her. She finally finds this really nice [millionare] guy who loves her, and he goes and snuffs it.

They were watching football at his house last night, and when she came to see him today he hadn't moved from where she thought he was sleeping.

What makes me feel even worse is that I was only joking round with mum on the weekend about getting my name in his will before he died.

THIS IS WHY I DO NOT LIKE THINKING ABOUT GEE DYING/BEING IN HORRIBLE ACCIDENTS. BECAUSE I SAY SHIT AND IT HAPPENS. AND IT FUCKING SCARES ME.

And like. I keep thinking stupid shit like why didn't Pierre [real name Peer but Pierre not as confusing] tell her? Or how I bet he feels really bad about dying on her after all the shit she has been through. And then I'm like why bother falling in love with my Aunt and getting her hopes up if you were just going to DIE on her? And why did he decide to kark it THEN? It's so sudden yet completely undramatic. It's like oh well, I think I'll die now. Byebye. The end. Watching Football. WTF?!?!?!?

Aunty Violet is over for four days. Urge to live... fading...

Her millionare boyfriend just called. I am not in the mood to deal with my 62yr old aunty getting calls from her boyfriend. My mum took the phone off me and is now jibbering at him. It is a scary insight into my future.

I need to stop listening to this song when I am moody and tired.

This rain is so beautiful, but it is currently not helping my violent moodswings and chronic fatigue. I am always tired during the day, but when I go to bed I can't sleep. I just lie there thinking about anything and everything.

I read the last chapters of Harry Potter 6 on the trains to and from uni, as well as at the coffee shop in Penrith. I cried on both trains and at the cafe. The overwhelming sense of the inevitable and The End hit me finally when I finished reading it. I don't want the series to end, it has been with me for my entire teenagerhood.

I am emotionally retarded, yes. I form attachments to books. And movies. And songs. And people who will never care for me the way I care for them.

I'm too lethargic to even pretend to smile for my family.

I might just go and curl up in bed until dinner is ready.

And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.