Friday nights are my lowest part of the week. Feelings of isolation, loneliness and general melancholy occur pretty much every Friday night. This may be because every Friday night I sit at home, on my own, with no one to talk to and nothing to do.

I started to watch Muriel's Wedding but decided it wasn't the best movie to watch when already feeling lacklustre. For a cult Australian comedy, it sure is damn depressing. It's about a young woman who isn't pretty and very unpopular who listens to ABBA and dreams of her wedding. She ends up running away to Sydney with a high school friend where she goes into dress shops and pretends she is getting married just so she can wear the dresses.

It's so me.

In 27 days I will be 20. And I don't have enough friends to throw a party. So as usual, I will have a 'family' dinner and pretend that I don't care.

Tux hasn't come home yet and my maternal neurosis is in overdrive. I want my little black fuzball home and curled up in my lap.

I'm so damn exhausted. It's a breath-catching, soul-crushing exhaustion.

I was at work an hour earlier than I needed to be because they forgot to tell me the meeting was cancelled and I probably won't be paid for my extra work.

I found out on my lunch break my dad was in the hospital again. After work I drive there, walk for 10min in the stifling heat because I couldn't get a closer parking spot. I ask to see him and find out he had been released about ten minutes earlier when his wife came to see him. Seeing as he isn't really with her anymore I had no idea where he was.

I can't sleep because there is something crawling around in my air duct. I know it's probably a mouse, but I have the overative imagination of a 7-year-old and I'm positive these thick, hairy legs are going to poke through the vents and a giant spider will be staring at me from my ceiling.

I spent my Saturday night having dinner with my mother.

I don't want to think. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to exist anymore.

[Caitlin, sorry I'm not around I just couldn't stay conscious enough to form sentences. Text, I'll probably be comatose on the couch]

Why is it that a thousand customers could say my name and it's nothing, but if he says my name it instantly means more?

Because I fixate.

Just... urgh.

I spent eight hours today waiting for him to come in, knowing he probably wouldn't, but was still disappointed when I didn't see that leather jacket.

Nothing ever changes. Maybe if something changed then this would all be different. But it never does.

The five minutes a week I talk to him I am happy.

The 30 seconds I make eye contact with a cute guy at the train station I am happy.

But I need more.

There is some spectacular self-loathing going on at the moment. When I'm not too busy wallowing in it and instead inspecting it like a particularly nasty zit, it's just plain annoying.

My self confidence has crashed and burned. That wonderful high I had going on for a while last year seems non-existant. I feel fat and ugly and unloved and nothing I do will ever change that.

Then there's the academic/career part of my life. I go back to uni in about 6 weeks; my final year of uni. Except I'm not very thrilled with my course and I'm not really sure what I want to do with my life. It's less not knowing what to do and more not thinking I can achieve it. I'm studying journalism and I don't even want to be a journalist in the traditional sense of the word. I'd maybe like to do features or music journalism, but I don't know how to get there.

Jen is considering doing honours so we won't strictly finish uni together. I am scared of a year on my own. But I can't keep living my life by what other people do.

The only thing I know is I want to be a writer. But I have lost inspiration. I don't know what to write. And what if I'm not actually a good writer but a mediocre one?

I had a night terror last night, a really bad one. I was so terrified I was screaming my head off. But apparently I was screaming something about a boy so tonight mum was like "why were you screaming about a boy?" Haha awkward.

Then again, she once heard me have an entire conversation with Frank in my sleep where I told him off for tickling me :|

God I felt like shit today. A real I-hate-people sort of mood right when I have to work 3-9 during the Christmas rush. I felt weak and sick too. I had a Red Bull and so would get sporadic bursts of energy. At one point I was flailing behind the counter, mocking the Christmas Tree that was walking around the shopping centre trying to entertain the kiddies.

Andrew came into work. The guy I was virtually smitten with for the whole of high school. He is studying music. Is in bands. Is the essence of badass masculinity. Has a girlfriend. Whyyyy do they always have to tell me that?

I sometimes don't know why I bother obsessing over my hair. Fiddling with foundation and eyeliner. Wearing the right bra.

It never makes any difference.

I feel... defeated.

I'm tired of fighting with mum. I'm tired of being yelled at even when I try to do the right thing. I'm tired of her instantly thinking I am being lazy and don't want to do something simply because I ask how to cook the potatoes.

I'm tired of my sister implying that it's my fault. I'm tired of missing the days when we were like The Gilmore Girls.

I'm tired of being so chronically single that friends I haven't spoken to in a while don't ask. But at the same time I am tired of feeling like a freak every time I am asked that question.

I'm tired of not having someone else to physically turn to when shit does hit the fan and I am desperate for a simple hug.

I'm tired of overthinking everything to the point that something that is natural to everyone else fills me with anxiety.

And it's all accumulated into this dull ache of defeat.

It's storming right now. Tom is under a table and I put Tux in my closet; cute little scaredy cats.

So I'm a little angsty right now. Part of it is the come-down from My Chemical Holiday. I feel like Frodo at the end of Return of The King. He spent a year going through agony to destroy the ring, but now that he has, life just isn't the same. I was planning My Chemical Holiday back in January. It was brilliant, it was fantastic, everything I wanted. But now it's over and I don't know what to do.

I keep wanting to curl up in my Dead! hoodie, despite the stifling heat. The only reason I won't is because it will get covered in dog fur and it's a bitch to get off. I want to be close to them again. Close to the experience. The adrenalin, the excitement, the pain.

I'm also angsty because I've watched far too many depressing movies. Today alone I watched Life As A House and Stepmom. At the rate I'm going, I will soon run out of movies to watch. Bridget Jones's Diary, Almost Famous, Wayne's World, The Bourne Identity, Transformers, The Blues Brothers, The Crying Game, Reality Bites, The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition trilogy and other movies I cannot recall have also been watched. Beaches is the next on my list.

Which brings me to my third and final angsting point: the reason I have enough time to watch so many movies. While overall I am getting excellent hours at Dymocks, I was expecting much more during the Christmas period. I was hoping to save about $1000 during the busy period. Instead I am working virtually the same hours I have been since I started. I'm still saving, but it means I won't have as much as I hoped by February.

I guess the lesson is I really have to stop trying to predict how much money I will save by a certain time. It's just that I want a car so bad and it just seems like I never get anywhere.

So after a brief period of non-emo, I am emo again. Joy.

I'm upset at my sister. For weeks and weeks I told her I wanted to hang out with her before I went away. There was a chance we could hang today; she was supposed to call and tell me so I could get on a train. She didn't even call. So naturally I got upset. Yes, once I did cancel our meeting because I had an essay to write - but that was a month ago. Changing the date we are meant to hang out once shouldn't mean that I don't see her for another 6 weeks. It's going to be fucking Christmas before I get to see her.

It's not the same hanging out with her when mum's around because I never get a word in or if I do mum trivialises it. Plus it's a little hard to talk to Rach about stuff that I don't want to discuss with mum when she's in the same room.

That's another thing. I don't feel like her sister anymore. She doesn't tell me anything. Whenever we talk all I get is a vague overview of her day. What happened to sisters sharing everything? I never get her opinion, she never asks me for advice. I feel like a friend she speaks to occasionally.

And this has built up so much over so long that I can no longer even THINK about it without becoming uncontrollably upset.

I feel abandoned. It's not my fault mum and dad moved to Penrith and we got dragged with them. But when she got out I assumed she would still come back for me. I hate it out here. I have no one. No one but fucked up parents I can't talk to.

And now I'm worried I'm not going to get as many shifts over the christmas period as I thought I was so I won't have enough money to buy a car.

God I am so emo at the moment.

I went to call dad this evening to find out off a guy at the centre that dad isn't there anymore. Worried, I call my sister who tells me he checked himself out this morning. Thanks for telling me.

I'm not surprised. But it still hurts. I don't want him to die.

I want a sister who talks to me like a sister, not a friend. I want a mother I can share things with. I want a father that doesn't have to go to rehab.

And now I look like a cutter. Tom chucked a tantrum about going inside and managed to scratch me. I now have eight parallel scratches on my forearm.

So I'm listening to Celine Dion and wallowing in my emo. Fall Out Boy does not make me emo. My Chemical Romance does not make me emo. The Used does not make me emo. Soppy romantic songs make me emo.

Go figure.

God, I am feeling so blargh right now. It's a culmination of things. The heat. Unsure of how to feel about my dad being in rehab. Wishing my sister would understand how much I want to spend time with her, just the two of us. Uni stresses as enrollment for next year is tomorrow. Angsting about the detioration of my relationship with Angie and not knowing what to do. And boys. Always the fucking boys.

On Friday in the span of maybe 15 minutes, I fell in lust with a guy, spoke to him and realised how nice he was, kind of stalked hovered near him, and then had my heart broken when this blonde little waif showed up. Why do the punk boys with red hair and piercings and stunning eyes always have to be with blonde waifs??? WHY???

Everything about relationships has me neurotic and angsting and hyperventilating. At first it was simply being the only single friend left from highschool. But now it's also the fear that when a relationship does stroll along, I'm going to have to make it last as long as possible because all of my friends are in serious long-term relationships. At least a year. I feel like its a big competition and I'm always losing. And I don't know how to fix it and it scares me. It really fucking scares me. Academics I can do - I know I'm smart and if I want to do better I only have to try. I'm confident with my job. But relationships? I don't know what I'm fucking doing wrong and I. Don't. Get. It.

Angst angst angst fucking angst.

I'm off to watch Bridget Jones and wallow in my emo.

School fucks you up. Family fucks you up. Everything fucks you up.

I am so emo at the moment my eyes are weeping of their own accord. lol.

So, in a nutshell, my dad is sick but I don't know what with - sick enough that if he doesn't change things drastically he'll be dead in two years, I miss my sister and realised that if she has a kid just how much more it will change our relationship, and I blame the crippling teasing I went through at school for why I am so neurotic regarding boys.

Oh and didn't end up seeing Kisschasy. Jen saw them last night and they weren't up to scratch so we didn't want to exhaust ourselves for a mediocre show.

It was a lie when they smiled and said you won't feel a thing