I am an extremely frustrating person to live with. Sometimes I just feel like turning to myself and saying, "What the HELL? Seriously! What is your problem! Why can't you make up your God damn mind? You do this to yourself you know." Then I would heave an exasperated sigh and shake my head.

Icy breezes and cold noses are making me think of idillic situations. Want but can't have.

I am no longer monstrously behind on uni work. Huzzah.

Spent Sunday scouting laptops. I fell in love with the Sony VAIO CR series notebook. If this is the one I went with I can't decide which colour to go with: red or white. I love the look of white laptops but the red is quite seductive.

Cold and gloomy.

Perfect.

I feel like a pop tart, but I ate them all. My sister is bringing me some back from the US. I know that I can get them at specialist candy stores here, but I like getting them from the US. It makes it feel more illicit.

I want to wear my boots but my feet just aren't used to heels so I can't wear them for extended periods.

Two days till my birthday.

Funny, it doesn't feel like it.

Guess what? I've been accepted into UTS!!! Again... I received my acceptance letter for the writing course I applied to last year when I was contemplating changing courses. However, it is only going to result in more angsting and agony so I've decided to stick to my current course.

I'm not too sure why...

Yet again, the weather in Sydney has reverted to winter. Less than a week ago it was pushing 40 degrees celcius and today it barely reached 19. I'm not complaining though, I love this cold and wet weather. After ten years of drought this sort of weather is still quite a novelty to me. There's something so peaceful and satisfying about sitting in your favourite cafe [Starbucks], drinking a hot chocolate and reading a novel. It's so... wholesome and cliche but in the best possible way.

Also note: Boys suck.

After a mini spending spree, I am too scared to look at my bank account in case the damage is worse than I suspect. Stupid cheap underwear tricking me into buying you. Mutters.

Currently reading Girls Guide to Vampires by Kate Macalister and am borderline ashamed. It's complete fluff, and not even very well written fluff. The character interactions are so utterly ridiculous. Nobody talks like that! But then again, it IS a romance novel so what did I expect? Ian McEwan? Charles Dickens? I will redeem myself by reading Wuthering Heights, The Memory Keeper's Daughter and Prozac Nation.

I am so tired. We had a massive storm here yesterday and it freaked the boys out, resulting in Tom getting stuck on the neighbour's roof in the middle of the night. So at 1am I am climbing a ladder, in my pyjama's, in someone else's yard. I could have killed him. Whereas Tux turns into a ball of cat and is only happy if he is in my arms or in my closet. I need to get him one of those baby carriers you strap to your chest.

I keep having random Frank-related dreams and I don't know why.

Ang came into work today. It's physically impossible to see her without Scott in tow. Sometimes I worry I'm being neurotic, but who else does she regularly hang with? No one. Whereas I at least have three friends I try to see about once a week.

Wooh! I have $3,100 saved towards my car, $1100 of which has been saved in the last 6 weeks.

I'm really quite proud of myself.

After much angsting, I made the decision to save a little extra before I buy a car. Otherwise, I won't have anything saved and it will be starting from scratch.

Hanging with Rach is one of my most favourite things, I really need to do it more often.

I've gotten into a pattern regarding social life, home life and work, and I am really enjoying it.

Life is good.

There is some spectacular self-loathing going on at the moment. When I'm not too busy wallowing in it and instead inspecting it like a particularly nasty zit, it's just plain annoying.

My self confidence has crashed and burned. That wonderful high I had going on for a while last year seems non-existant. I feel fat and ugly and unloved and nothing I do will ever change that.

Then there's the academic/career part of my life. I go back to uni in about 6 weeks; my final year of uni. Except I'm not very thrilled with my course and I'm not really sure what I want to do with my life. It's less not knowing what to do and more not thinking I can achieve it. I'm studying journalism and I don't even want to be a journalist in the traditional sense of the word. I'd maybe like to do features or music journalism, but I don't know how to get there.

Jen is considering doing honours so we won't strictly finish uni together. I am scared of a year on my own. But I can't keep living my life by what other people do.

The only thing I know is I want to be a writer. But I have lost inspiration. I don't know what to write. And what if I'm not actually a good writer but a mediocre one?

Finished reading We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. The beginning was too slow and I found the writing excessively verbose and a little dry. But by the end it was really good. Although I suspected the twist, it was still chilling to read it.

Next book to be read is Something Rotten by Jasper Fforde, though I do not have the money to buy it yet. Damn Christmas shopping.

While cooking pasta tonight I was struck with a sudden feeling of nostalgia. I wasn't really aching for something tangible, like high school or pre9/11 or anything like that. I missed what I have labelled The Harry Potter Days. Flashes of memory of reading each of those books for the first time. Crisp breezes, light sun. Smiles and excitement.

As ridiculous as it sounds, Harry Potter was my adolescence. The ten years of my life where I'm old enough to comprehend things and have proper memories.

Sad, but true.

I want Harry back.

I had a night terror last night, a really bad one. I was so terrified I was screaming my head off. But apparently I was screaming something about a boy so tonight mum was like "why were you screaming about a boy?" Haha awkward.

Then again, she once heard me have an entire conversation with Frank in my sleep where I told him off for tickling me :|

God I felt like shit today. A real I-hate-people sort of mood right when I have to work 3-9 during the Christmas rush. I felt weak and sick too. I had a Red Bull and so would get sporadic bursts of energy. At one point I was flailing behind the counter, mocking the Christmas Tree that was walking around the shopping centre trying to entertain the kiddies.

Andrew came into work. The guy I was virtually smitten with for the whole of high school. He is studying music. Is in bands. Is the essence of badass masculinity. Has a girlfriend. Whyyyy do they always have to tell me that?

I sometimes don't know why I bother obsessing over my hair. Fiddling with foundation and eyeliner. Wearing the right bra.

It never makes any difference.

I discovered something today. The music from the Iggy Pop song "Lust for Life" aka the Trainspotting song, is used in the Australian Kmart ads. Now whenever I hear that song I think of cheap prices...

On a more pensive note, on the train home I realised that ten years is such a short time. Yesterday at work I served a girl I went to school with in years 5 and 6. We were on again off again best friends but we didn't speak to each other when we started high school. I spent the entire time feeling awkward and wondering if I should acknowledge her past friendship. It was only today that it occured to me that we went to school together nearly ten years ago. Yet I still recognise her. It feels like maybe two or three years, not ten. My age has doubled since we were once friends, so technically I've lived a second life since knowing her. Trippy.

Being poor both sucks and blows.

Sydney Carton from A Tale of Two Cities has a very special place in my heart. He was one of the world's first anti-heroes who sacrifices all for love. I am in love with Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything; his actions are the definition of romance, and he's just all round the perfect guy in a really imperfect way.

John Lennon's version of Stand By Me lists as arguably my most favoured love song and I dream of the day somebody will say to me "No I won’t be afraid just as long as you stand, stand by me". This is followed very closely by Celine Dion's cover of The Power Of Love. One day I will look into your eyes. I will hold onto your body and feel each move you make. Never wonder where I am because I will always be by your side.

One day I hope to be someone's Tiny Dancer. I will be their blue jean baby and the seamstress for the band. I will marry a music man and he will sing about my pretty eyes and pirate smile. Every night I will watch him, singing along to every word, humming to every tune.

Music. Books. Movies. Any form of creative escapism is what fuels my life and structures my ideals, desires, priorities.

I want to dance in the rain with you. I want to drive along an endless road listening to a mix tape and with my hand in yours. I want you to feel my fingers in your hair and my smile on your lips.

Life is overwhelming and will one day break my heart.

But I will never stop dreaming.